Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and store aisles are filled with candy hearts, chocolate kisses and bright red animals. We have entered the season of love, a phenomenon marketed by the online dating sites throughout the year.
Statistics seem to favor the singles—approximately one-third of the baby boomers seek relationships. An estimated 800 dating sites exist in the United States, according to an interview carried by the online publication, Network World (see “The Hottest Trends in Online Dating,” by Carolyn Duffy Marsen, 2/7/08). Results from a Pew study on Internet dating have indicated that 11 percent of American internet users have visited online websites to meet people (see the Pew's Internet and American Life Study, March 2006).
Both in the States and France, traditional online sites enable users to create a profile with photos, select from a list of likes and dislikes (body build, ethnicity, religion, children, pets, smoking, drinking) and provide a personal description of themselves and their ideal partner. Numerous articles have addressed the way in which people refashion themselves (that is, men may add a hairline or a few inches to their height, and women may subtract a few years from their age). After all, this is a virtual world. But these virtual recreations of the “self” seem to be the problem. Online gives you the freedom to be who you want to be, to change what you dislike. There is a slight difference between the virtual and real worlds.
Although the statistics are encouraging, anecdotal evidence from friends who have used online dating is anything but . . . . Initially, they were concerned about privacy and security issues of online dating. But the sites protect identity—emails, phone numbers and addresses are not exchanged. And most people used their pets’ name as their online identity anyway. Everyone exhibited caution when arranging a personal meeting—use a well-frequented location (like a bookstore or café or popular watering hole), let friends know and don’t drive off with a stranger.
Surprisingly, more problems occurred because of the discrepancies between virtual and real profiles. For example, the men who exhibited a sparkling wit online—a trait that appealed to many in the academic community--morphed into embittered cynics in person. One businessman who described himself as a community leader had so many DUIs he could not drive to meet his date. Another, who stressed his easy-going nature became very controlling, arriving at the meeting with a addendum to his initial list of dislikes.
The Florida males described themselves loving walks on the beach, sports, pets and gourmet dinners. Their photos show them lounging in board shorts, by a pool or on a boat. They most often describe themselves as easy going and very flexible, which seemed to contradict the list of dislikes, spontaneous (often misspelled but implied they are men of action rather than the stereotypical Doug on the TV show, the “King of Queens”).
In France, many of the men who responded to a search in a 20-mile radius around Cannes actually lived in the North of France, a region plagued by lengthy winters. Their photos seemed to be taken in cafés, night spots or via a webcam. For the most part, these “tender, social, generous” men seek a positive woman who wants to share their lives (or refaire leur vie). Some express themselves poetically (they want to fall in love, offer flowers, live for the moment). But they also want someone who is attentive, sparkling and independent. Some of the descriptions are short and concise; others are long and somewhat tedious. For example, one 54-year old man organized the description of his ideal mate by theme—physical and mental attributes, values and lifestyle, and hobbies. His paragraph read like a “how to” book on relationships. But one man provided a refreshing contrast—his only criterion was that a female friend be “sympa.”
But all of us in our 40s and 50s have met enough men to have developed criteria for the ideal mate. Maybe that it is the problem. Too many criteria, too many parameters, too many virtual networks. Something about that one man whose only requirement was “sympa.” I wonder what he’s doing for Valentine’s?
# # #
No comments:
Post a Comment